ANGRY TWITTER USERS CONTINUE TWEETING ABOUT LEAVING THE PLATFORM

By Yuslis Shyat - Entertainment Reporter

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – It’s been over a month since right-wing math enthusiast Elon Musk rudely purchased the private company Twitter and announced he would bring back that paragon of white supremacy, free speech. Twitter royalty, those who paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to purchase a blue check mark, were chagrined to learn the Nazi scientist Musk would sell those same blue check marks to working class users for a mere eight dollars.

“Who does he think he is?” tweeted @FilthyRichFuckFace1129. “This isn’t Martha’s Vineyard. We don’t want that kind of riffraff having access to the same stuff we have.”

FuckFace1129 wasn’t alone in his frustration. Journalists and politicians using Twitter as a bullhorn for propaganda feared the return of free speech would make it far more difficult to impose narratives on the working class. “Free speech is tantamount to misinformation,” said @NancyShitsOnThePoor7621. “How can we alter reality if pesky commoners keep pointing out empirical flaws in our claims? It’s like logic class all over again. We can no longer just make emotional pleas and expect people to go along with it. There are actual terrorists on Twitter now demanding facts. Facts! It’s going to be anarchy!”

As soon as the deal was announced, Twitter royalty spread word that it was time to leave the platform. Tweeting their concerns that Musk would ruin it by opening it up to spirited, actual debate, the wealthy blue check marks were met by blue collar users with several familiar refrains:

“It’s a private company. Musk can do with it whatever he wants.”

“If you don’t like it, build your own platform.”

“Learn to code.”

The wealthy blue check marks dutifully reported these comments as hate speech. When their hypocrisy was pointed out, they accused those pointing it out of hypocrite shaming.

Interestingly enough, those complaining the loudest, those most insistent Twitter is dying and needs to be evacuated, can’t stop Tweeting their displeasure a month into Musk’s ownership of the platform. FeedDeadPoniesToThePoor9847 said, “It’s important that we stay here to provide a voice of reason even as we no longer officially consider ourselves users.”