CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS FOUND IN BENJAMIN HARRISON’S HOUSE
By Roilly Q. Loins - Politics Reporter
Indianapolis, IN – In a shocking discovery last Saturday, off-duty federal officials found classified documents from 1892 in Benjamin Harrison’s home. The discovery was made, quite by accident, during a public tour of the manor conducted by local tour guide Annie Olesheet.
“I’d been giving the tour for years,” said Olesheet. “Pointing directly at those documents on the former president’s desk. I had no idea they were sensitive documents pertaining to vital issues of 1892.”
FBI special agent Noz E. Prik, who’d participated in the tour as part of his lonely vacation to scenic Indianapolis, noticed the words Top Secret stamped on the bottom of each page sitting on the former president’s desk. “A quick Google search,” said the unmarried agent, “and I found sufficient evidence to consider the words top secret equivalent to the word ‘classified.’”
Agent Prik contacted FBI headquarters in Washington D.C. to relay his discovery. “I don’t expect a medal of honor or anything,” said Prik, “but I wouldn’t turn it down, either.” Prik maintains national security at any time, even over a hundred years ago, must be protected. “I don’t know anything about history,” said Prik, “but I just bet they had secrets in the olden times the way we do now.”
Prik was rewarded with a lollipop when local FBI agents swarmed the tourist attraction. They removed anything they found of interest, including several priceless paintings on the wall. “The agency will want to see what we could get for these on eBay,” explained special agent Nutless Johnson.
The questionable documents were flown to Washington D.C. A special committee headed by California representative Adam Schifforbrains will investigate the matter. When commenting to reporters, Schifforbrains said, “It is very possible we will have to exhume the one-term president and put his corpse on trial for treason.” Schifforbrains then excused himself to go into his private restroom and masturbate to the latest issue of Boy’s Life.
