YE ANNOUNCES DICTATOR-THEMED FASHION LINE
By Yuslis Shyat - Entertainment Reporter
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Enhancing his new role as apologist for notable fascists, Ye announced on Wednesday his plans to launch a new line of clothes and shoes inspired by some of history’s finest authoritarians. When asked by reporters why Ye had taken such a liking to dictators, the defiant mogul demanded, “You ain’t them. You wouldn’t know.”
Coincidentally, the fashion line will be known as YAT, which stands for the rapper’s response—You Ain’t Them. Explaining the name, Ye said, “You can’t know someone unless you’ve walked in their shoes. These clothes will give you all the opportunity to better understand people you’ve deemed evil.” Asked to clarify, Ye said, “You ever sit down with Pol Pot, just talked to him? You see? How can you judge them if you ain’t them?”
One of the first items on the market will be a pair of Long March athletic shoes to honor Mao Zedong’s attempt to get his people in better physical condition by simultaneously starving them and making them walk six thousand miles. To understand Mao’s struggle, spikes will be placed randomly in the interior of the shoes to motivate a faster, brisker walking pace. “Look at the Chinese,” said Ye. “There ain’t no fat Chinese people. Why? That’s because of Mao. He loved his people and wanted them to be in tip-top shape.” When confronted with the staggering number of deaths caused by Mao’s policies, Ye shrugged it off. “How is Mao responsible for the lazy, the uninspired?” he said. “You can’t walk? You can’t go a little bit without eating? And you think that’s Mao’s fault?”
YAT will also offer a winter coat patterned after Stalin’s passion for sending dissenting citizens to the gulag. The lining of the coats will contain self-rejuvenating blocks of ice to recreate the joy of constant arctic weather. “Stalin just wanted his people to be cool,” said Ye. He claimed the refrigerated coats would make Americans tougher. “What happens when I’m president and I start a war?” he said. “Who’s going to go fight it? You raise a generation on ice coats, you got a generation carved from steel.”
Taking things in a more modern direction, the Disappear Me hoodie will pay tribute to North Korean leader Kim Jung Il, who has made a name for himself as a magician capable of causing political enemies to vanish. The hoodie is made from advanced cloaking material. Paired with the Disappear Me sweatpants, consumers can literally disappear while wearing the outfit. “Sometimes it’s best you’re not seen,” said Ye. “Believe me, I feel this way after every interview I do these days.”
Ye promised more in the future, including fashion tributes to Idi Amin and Trotsky. “We’re going to hit them all,” he claimed, “until the world understands: fascists need love, too.”
